From the Internet…

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???


Through the eyes of a child:



Judas Asparagus

The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God,darkness, and some gas.

The Bible says,’The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were
naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors
hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple,
so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because
they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother
as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except
for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or

One of the next important people was Noah, who was
a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.

Noah built a large boat and put his family and some
animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,
but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob
was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau
sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot
roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a
really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name
was Charlton Heston.

Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away
from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on
Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice,
lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the IsraelLights every day with manicotti.

Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or
covet your neighbor’s stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy
father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the
first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle
of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by
killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named
Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.
My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound
very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big
whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were
also some minor league prophets, but I guess we
don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.

Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in
Bethlehem in a barn.

(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my
mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were
you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with
sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one
was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they
named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards
and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on
trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up
for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back
to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end
of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book
of Revolution